September 28, 2022

It has been six weeks ago today that Annette died. The grief that I feel is stronger than ever, and the pain in my heart her passing has left is tremendous. This journey for me is just beginning, and while I know that my heart will someday heal, it's going to be awhile.

I have joined three different grief support groups, all through Hospice of North Idaho. Two meet monthly--one for those who have lost spouses or partners and another for just men. The third one is a workshop/support group called “Journey Through Grief” which meets weekly for six weeks. These groups are helpful as the folks attending them understand the pain each is going through. It's a recognition that what each of us is feeling is normal; that we are not crazy.

In addition to the book I mentioned in my last post, I have also read “When Your Soulmate Dies” written by the same author. I found this more relevant to me as it

talks about 14 characteristics that comprise a soulmate relationship, that soulmate deaths are among the most painful due to the depth of the relationship, and how to use the soulmate characteristics to “heroically” mourn and heal. I am beginning to journal about this journey and have written several letters to Annette. As well, I talk to her all the time, telling her how I’m doing, how much I miss her, recalling fond memories, and expressing how grateful I am for how our lives and love were so wonderfully intertwined and the joy and beauty she shared with me for more than four decades. At times I think I’m doing pretty good and am moving forward, only to get buried in an avalanche of grief as I think about what her loss means to me, and of all the things she still wanted to do but never will. My life as I have known it for 41 years is shattered; it will never be the same. The path to healing is not linear.

I am blessed with family and friends who are listening to my stories, the pain I feel and who acknowledge and give validity to my feelings without judging. Thls is very important to me, so thank you so very much! Grieving and mourning are not quick or easy endeavors. Many in my support groups suffered their loss(es) a year or two in the past. It takes time to heal. Most important is to not run away from or ignore grief, but to embrace it. It’s an important part of healing.

One of the important needs of mourning is to remember the person who died. Every day I look through photos of Annette during our life together and read cards and letters we gave to each other over the years. I've also been spending time in my woodshop, building a keepsake box in which I will keep some of her ashes, photos and other meaningful items. This has been a helpful activity as it gave me breaks from grieving—I had to concentrate to avoid mistakes and to keep all my fingers intact. It’s also been a project of love. I’ve attached some photos of the finished product below.

Tremendous pain is the price we must someday pay for tremendous love, yet the pain I feel reminds me of how very blessed my life has been.

Thank you, my love…

The woods are birdseye maple (front, back and spine), padauk (corners) and red oak (pages). The photo on the front is of her backpacking in the Goat Peaks Wilderness in July 2019. Annette was a librarian and was passionate about early childhood literacy. She spent her last year or so of her career as an Americorps volunteer for United Way of North Idaho developing ready for kindergarten programs, including authoring a book "Launch into Learning" to help parents and caregivers prepare their children for school. For these reasons, the box is designed to look like a book. The photo inside the box was taken in our camper-van on her last birthday—11/5/2021. We were celebrating with a little Montana Honey Moonshine. I miss her so very much...

Click to enlarge photos