January 17, 2023 - Post on the Cancer Survivors and Caregivers Facebook Group
Hello everyone,
I am new to this group and bring multiple perspectives—as a cancer survivor, caregiver, and as a recent widower. First, I know everyone’s journey is different. As I read many of your posts, I cry. Some cancers and treatments are worse than others, and each person’s circumstances are different. My heart goes out to all of you. I thought I’d share my story as it might be helpful.
When my wife Annette and I retired in mid-2018, we spent that first year doing what we loved and planned to do for at least a couple decades. We traveled to amazing places and cross-country skied, biked, hiked and backpacked a couple thousand miles. But a week after our last backpacking trip in late 2019, Annette went to the doctor with severe abdominal pain and heard the news none of us ever wanted to hear. She had cancer—for her it was stage 3c ovarian, also called the silent killer. The first weeks were especially agonizing as we learned about the disease, prognosis, and treatments. Then, as she started chemotherapy, I began having difficulty swallowing, which progressively got worse. Three months after her diagnosis and a week before her surgery, an endoscopy I had revealed an egg-sized tumor. I had stage 3c esophageal cancer—the fourth deadliest by survival rate. Neither Annette or I had any risk factors except age and gender. We ate right, were extremely active and in great shape. That both of us were diagnosed with cancer within three months of each other was beyond shocking. We felt anger, frustration, fear, and anguish. How could this be happening to us?
Statistically, for the types and stages of the cancers we had there was a better than 90% chance that at least one of us would die within five years. As well, like many/most of you, we were facing harsh treatments and difficult, life-changing surgeries. Within a few short months, our retirement plans had been turned upside down. We spent a lot of time talking about whether and how we could be resilient, emotionally healthy, and lead full and active lives—rather than long ones—despite cancer.
For our own emotional survival, we agreed not to focus on the bad stuff described above. Instead, we promised that each morning over coffee (or whatever beverage we could tolerate), we would talk about and focus on what was good in our lives. We did this every day, from those first treatments to the day before Annette passed away five months ago. We talked about the things for which we were grateful; the support and love of friends and family, each other, great medical teams, and so much more. Sometimes we talked about what the end might look like for both the person leaving and the survivor, and how we could approach this with courage. We talked about being compassionate to ourselves and others, and the frustration that no matter how healthy we lived we had no control over this disease. Then we would talk about what we could control, and that led us back to gratitude. Though it sounds cliché, we decided that each new day was a gift and pledged not to waste them. We adopted a quote that became our touchstone: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” We found that by changing the way we think, we could change not the outcomes, but our experience with this horrible disease. A year ago, I read an interview with Michael J Fox (30+ years with Parkinson’s), and he summed up our experience in just four words; “gratitude makes optimism sustainable.” I cannot overstate how true this is.
Our treatments overlapped, so we were both patient and caregiver to each other for nine months. Being optimistic helped us push ourselves and each other to walk as much as possible while in treatment, go to museums and other interesting places (until COVID hit), do puzzles, read and continue to be thankful for each new day together. These activities lifted our spirits and helped us fight fatigue, which made us more optimistic. Despite the treatments and very unpleasant side effects, we enjoyed life.
When our treatments were done, we were both in full remission. We adjusted to a number of challenging “new normals” as a result of our treatments and surgeries and picked up where we left off before cancer—traveling, hiking, exploring, volunteering and learning new hobbies. With each clean scan, we felt more optimistic we had beat the odds. But a year later, Annette’s cancer returned. Initially we were devastated—once ovarian cancer recurs, it’s considered incurable. Over the next fifteen months she had two more rounds of chemo, but the disease continued to slowly progress. With each new piece of news, we adapted and learned to accept a new reality. This was freeing, as it allowed us to enjoy life in the present without fearing the future. We continued to be grateful for what time we had.
In between, and even during treatments, we continued to travel, visit family and friends, and do as much as she could outdoors. Perhaps because we felt the pressure of limited time, the things we did had, for us, greater meaning. Our love became even deeper, something I didn’t think possible. Because we did so much, when we had tough stretches, we could remember those experiences, realize our lives were very good, and start planning our next adventure. Gratitude really did sustain our optimism, even when we knew the end was coming ever closer for Annette.
We often say when a person dies from cancer, that they lost the battle. But the opposite was true for Annette. While the disease ultimately took her life, she beat cancer by how she lived, with joy, curiosity, passion, gratitude, learning, loving, and so much courage up to her final day. She could have undergone more aggressive treatments, but quality of life and one filled with purpose was more important to her than a long life. Because of this, she was at peace with dying. I have learned so much from her on how to live…and how to accept what we cannot change and make the most of what we have.
Annette was my wife, soulmate, best friend, partner, and the love of my life. For the first time in 41 years, I am on the most difficult journey in my life without her beside me. Yet, a part of her is still so much a part of me. When I feel grief so painful I can hardly breath, I do what we have done together the past several years. I change my focus. I thank Annette for a lifetime of shared adventures and experiences, and for the profound joy and beauty she brought into my life. And it calms and changes me. I become optimistic for my future, however long or short that may be. I look forward to traveling, volunteering, doing the things I love, engaging with my old friends and meeting new ones, and most of all, in living. Gratitude continues to help me as I navigate loss, grief and letting go of the life I no longer have. It’s hard, but my heart is very slowly healing. Sadly, tremendous pain is the price we must someday pay for tremendous love, yet the pain I feel reminds me of how very blessed my life has been. In fact, for all the reasons I’ve written above, the last three years of our lives together, despite cancer, have been the very best years of my life. I love you, Annette, and always will. Thank you so much…
This post is not part of my personal Facebook page. Rather, it's one I wrote on the Cancer Survivors and Caregivers group page. This is a worldwide community support site for those suffering from a myriad of cancers and those who care for them. It's a place people can safely voice their fears and frustrations, ask questions, provide support and cheer others on. Reading through the more current posts was heart-wrenching, yet I also felt Annette and my story may be helpful. The post below was my first on that group site. I have commented on many other's posts to provide support, comfort and, at times, perspective. The post below has components of several of my personal blog posts contained on these pages. What was amazing to me was the response from those on that site. It still brings me to tears...
Click on photo to enlarge
Davina R
Beautifully written. Such an amazing story of love and devotion.
Danni Z
The most beautiful love story and most beautiful life. Live on Dave!!
Dalene H
Beautiful! Wow!
Tom C
The journey just always seems to hang a hard left on us when we thought we were headed straight. It’s a beautiful thing that you had your life together and learned to navigate the worst together.
Castara S
My heart goes out to you. What a strong, courageous and committed team you and Annette were xx
Shannon L
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story of love, dedication and hope. I've been battling Ovarian Cancer for 6 years, with a possible recurrence happening now, and it's so incredibly hard. I'm terrified and I wish I had a partner at my side like you and your wife did. You are so incredibly lucky. Go forward in life doing exactly what you're doing - fill it with family, friends and new adventures. I saw a quote yesterday that really resonated with me... "This isn't my home, I'm just passing through. See you on the other side".
Amy L
Thank you for sharing this. I have 5 more treatments (of 13) and my husband and I have moved up our exploring plans because the crystallization of realizing the only thing that really has mattered is our experiences with each other and people we love. Everything else fell away. I am young, thought to be healthy and was shocked by the results of fit test the gov sends to people on their 50th. (Stage 3c colon cancer). I will remember your words in a few months when we begin to travel in our trailer and be outside and I find my biking legs again. I have never been so aware of tomorrow not being promised and yet we can control our outlook (most days, not all). I hope peace continues to find you and joy pops up for you
Cathy A
Thank you for the reminder to always be thankful. Today I am thankful to have read your story!
Jema K
This was so beautifully written, what amazing humans you both are. Thank you for sharing such personal and intimate thoughts, so very moving. I've got something in my eye....
Terri S
What a story of faith. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.
Gunni S
Annette now lives in your heart forever. Thank you David
Vicki D
This is sooo beautiful xxx I am teary eyed reading this x
Dee A.
This is beautiful and yet so heartbreaking all at the same time. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for the inspiration on how to live life to the fullest despite having cancer. This new normal is difficult for me. I appreciate reading how you both had the courage to continue to love and live vivaciously even through the obstacles you were facing. Your strength gives me hope. Thank you!
Beldeanu A.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your beautiful love story. I'm sure your wife, Annette, is now your angel up in heaven and forever her love is gonna shine over you. Keep these beautiful memories in your heart until the day you two will meet again. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Christine H.
Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss. Reading this is also like reading the most perfect love story, you both had something so so special and that is something you will always be able to treasure. I hope you are still in recovery and that you are ok. I am a 48 year old mum to a 12 year old and also in a very loving relationship and I have oesophageal cancer also. Am in my 3rd week of treatment. Thank you so much for sharing your sad but beautiful story. Sending love and hugs.
Kandis A.
Thank you for sharing this, your beautiful journey! Cancer just sucks! I've been so fortunate so far but will know more with ct scan to see where we are February 9th. all clear or surgery possible!
Pat W.
Gulp! Thank you for sharing your sad, but uplifting and beautiful love story. I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife. Having lost friends to ovarian cancer and one to oesophageal cancer I have an adea of what you were/are dealing with.
My own journey has been with bowel cancer and metastases in the bone - pubic ramus, both pelvic side walls, base of bladder. Also another primary tumour of the cervix - and more recently, various skin cancers.
I had only been with the love of my life for about a year when I developed the metastases. Without him I don't think I would have got through the treatment. We never managed to live a "proper" life together as a couple, as I was a carer for my two elderly parents with whom I spent three days (two nights) a week.
Then - with little warning, my beloved "healthy" Paul, suddenly collapsed and died a few minutes after Big Ben struck into the New Year of 2007. That was - and still is a devastating blow. I never had the chance to say goodbye. Yes, each day is a gift.
Reba Z.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is so encouraging and shows great wisdom. I had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 16 and I agree that gratitude helped me be optimistic too. It's something now as a teacher I try to teach my students. We always start class with the students sharing something positive that is happening in their lives or something they are thankful for. Some of them don't get it and resist but many of them have come around and I hope one day they fully understand why I have them do it. Your story is a perfect example of why it's important to be thankful for the time we do have and make the most of it. Sending you love and prayers.
Diana C.
You two found the kind of love I have looked for my entire life, such envy I have of the life you lived.
Ann H.
As I battle my cancers, my husband is battling leukemia. I read your beautiful love story to him. We both cried as it hit so many points we share with you and your beloved wife. I am so very sorry for your loss. But I am very grateful that you shared it. We vow to dance in the rain and look for gratitude each day.
Linda B.
Thank you so much for sharing your incredible journey and profound loss. It sounds as if you and your beautiful bride shared a love and life that many dream of. I am fighting stage 3-c ovarian, peritoneal cancer. My husband is my rock, all the while battling his own debilitating illness.
We have recently decided to move closer to family as we will at some point require a little assistance. Also seeking alternative treatment options as it seems this cancer might be platinum resistant.
But I know, the love we share is strong enough to carry either of us through the final goodbye. May the memories of happier times shared with Annette ease the pain of your loss.
Rubia E.
I just lost my husband January 2023. we were together 37 years. Cancer took him in 10 months. I cry everyday. I miss him so much. I know how you feel.
Paula K.
My sincere sympathy on the loss of your dear wife. I have incurable breast cancer and seem to be in remission but I am meeting my Oncologist tomorrow. Your story is beautiful. A great love of your wife and your enthusiasm is inspirational. God Bless you!
Katie R.
Oh goodness, my eyes r leaking! I am so sorry for ur loss, but so incredibly in awe of ur courage, bravery, determination and most of all the acceptance of this awful disease. I am in remission from Leukaemia and not a day goes by where I am not thankful for the treatment, for still being here to live with my amazing husband .. but I struggle to be as positive as maybe I should be. Thank u for sharing ur journey and ur amazing relationship u obviously were truly blessed to have with Annette xx
Basanti R.
Very touching...
Gwen D.
To be honest, I don't usually read long posts, but I read every word of yours. It was perfect. Thank you for sharing and so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife.
Maxima D.
Teary eyed reading this, but it gave me so much comfort & inspiration, thank you for sharing. Beautiful life story 'til the end.
Carolynn W.
Wow. Your story is inspiring!
Jenn M.
I am sobbing. This is so beautiful. The love you have is felt through these words and I am so moved. I just had this conversation tonight with my mom, as my dad was admitted tonight dealing with side effects of radiation. Cancer is a battle that you don’t ever understand until you live it. I hope you continue living- as it’s clear you will do. Thanks for sharing this beautifully written testament
Mwila M.
I love the....and I quote 'gratitude makes optimism sustainable' may God bless and bless you,
Janet B.
Wow! What a blessing to have that enduring love. The words you expressed are beautiful just like your relationship. I thank you for extending that love and beauty to us. Your post is a wonderful tribute to your dear wife. God bless you!
Tammy H.
So sorry for your lost
Ngoc N.
I love your story. Thank you for sharing
Ingrid C.
Such an amazing attitude! You two were lucky to have each other!
Elizabeth S.
Your story is tremendously inspiring. Your lives together and apart have so much positivity. I believe you have had a most beautiful and amazing life together. Thank you for your sharing your experiences. I’m so very sorry for your loss. May God bring you much comfort and an abundance of peace and love through the years you have left. Praying for your continued healing and health.
Lisa W.
I am so very sorry for your loss. That is a wonderful testimony to your marriage, wife, and love. May you continue to heal and find a life full of happiness, love, joy, and adventure. Thank you for sharing your story.
Vikki J.
Beautiful tribute
Miranda J.
What a wonderful tribute. May Gods peace be with you. She is smiling down so proud
Audrey D.
What a beautiful story of love and loss. Thanks for sharing.
Jan T.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your amazing wife. I'm in awe of both of you and the inspiration you have shared with us. A beautiful love story to be sure. Thank you both for not giving up. God bless
Hannah D.
David, thank you for sharing your and Annette's story. Your words are raw and inspirational. I am in awe of the courage and the positivity you have both shown as you have braved your cancer battles and that you continue to do this in the midst of your grief. The depth of your love is truly beautiful.
Ann K.
Beautifully written
Carmela D.
This is beautiful and inspiring! Thank you for sharing. Much love to you!
Lisa M.
Godspeed
Rhona S.
Sending healing Love. Thank You for sharing Your beautiful Love Story
Amy G.
Beautiful and many great points. I’m so happy y’all kept living
Christine W.
This is a beautiful story
Robert G.
Thank you for sharing your story
Donna L.
A most inspiring story. You shine a light on how to truly live through excruciating times. May you be comforted in your loss by your beautiful loving memories.
Cynthia B.
This is such a beautiful tribute to your wife! May God bless you with strength and good health
Allyson D.
I am so sorry for the loss of your amazing wife. This is so touching and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your words mean so much to me right now. Thank you.
Eva C.
Amazing story! Thank you for sharing and for the inspiration.
Martin N.
Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing, it really does sound like you both beat cancer by not letting it control every aspect of your life & your thinking. Tremendously inspiring & I love that quote, I'll be keeping in mind during my own fight. Stay strong.
Wendy J.
Beautiful!
Amy R.
This brought so much warmth to my day. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Salman K.
This was profound. Thank you for sharing. Seems gratitude is key.
Wenke G.
Beautiful tribute to your amazing wife. What a way to live despite the terrible diagnosis both of you received
Janet S.
Thank you sooo much for sharing your and Annette's story with us, David! Truly enjoyed reading it!
Penelope F.
What a beautiful love story. Heartbreaking yet hopeful.
Laura S.
I don't know Annette, but I'm so thankful to know her story, and yours. She lived a life worth learning from, most definitely. I am so sorry for your loss, but so thankful to know your story. Thank you so much Annitta and Dave!
Michael C.
Just love that saying...thank you so much.
Laura R.
Dear David, How beautiful that the two of you celebrated and contemplated all of the good things in your life every day. It is so easy to focus on the hardship and become easily overwhelmed. I love that you are also grateful for the best years of your life through the struggle. I know your heart still grieves her loss and the void that is in your home is real. Thank you for sharing and prayers to you in this new journey ahead.
Debbie S.
Thanks for sharing your courageous story of you and your wife. It keeps all things in perspective for us survivors. God bless.
Solange T
Your story got me teared up. I can’t even imagine what you went and are still going through. i always feel my story is painful, until we learn someone else’s journey. I know this post was done about a year ago and in between you found a new way of living, because I’m certain Annette definitely wanted you to do that.
Tammy R.
Beautiful story as I continue to cry my eyes out. We both received a diagnosis a few days apart. Turns out we even needed the same doctors. His was a late find and mine was an accidental find after I was hit by a uninsured driver. Life has been crazy since 7/2023 it turned our world upside down. Praying for everyone on this difficult journey.
Michael G.
Thanks for sharing a really well written piece on your journey with your wife. My prayers are with you
Elisa Y.
I cried reading your story. Losing a love one is worse than death. But making the most of what you have is truly wonderful! Not many have what you two have. Thank you for sharing your journey with and without cancer. I totally agree! Hope more can feel and do this. Each day is a gift! We should be thankful for having a good life and surviving cancer and have someone we love and care about. Nobody has a guarantee of tomorrow! After cancer it is difficult for me to feel sad as I know how lucky I am! I was not scared or angry when I got my diagnosis as I did imagine death before cancer. I am also so fortunate to have a hematologist who truly cares and took care of me. She was actually more worried than I was. Yes, gratitude does sustain optimism! I am also a very positive person. Everything has positives and negatives. We will be better if we focus more on the positives!
Chelsie K.
Beautiful. I'm stage 4, only 29 but definitely try to live life this way, I have a son who will be two in a few days. I’m so grateful for everyday I get with him and my husband.
Patricia Ann T.
What a beautiful tribute to both your wife and you!
Malegobe S.
Love conquers all. You didn't become bitter, you chose to love each other despite the challenges. May her beautiful soul rest in peace. Divine healing to you, she may be gone but in your heart she lives.
Lori M.
Beautiful words
Jamie H.
Oh my goodness. This touched me so deeply! My mother is 50 years old and was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer in Aug 2023. This was a total shock to all of us, and was discovered while she was having a hysterectomy and her gallbladder removed. She has 2 granddaughters and another granddaughter who will arrive any day now, my younger brother’s first child. Although it’s easy to get trapped in the sadness of it all, your words are are a beautiful reminder to cherish each moment with my mother and make memories that will last a lifetime. Thank you for sharing!
Krista T.
Well I am just a bag of onions over her. This was so beautifully written. Your love story sounded/sounds so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this bit with us.
Stephany M.
So beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. What a great inspiration and a wonderful way to live life to the fullest through our hard trials. Thanks for sharing.
Stefani M.
What a Beautiful Love Story!! Thank you for sharing
Andrea R.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is the outlook I want to exemplify to my kids and others, that even in this struggle, we can find joy and be grateful for the good things. Grief is a journey in itself. Hugs and I’m sure you will also find gratitude and joy in this new journey before you.
Kathy M.
What a beautiful tribute to your wife. Keep living life to the fullest to continue to honor her!
Mark C.
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story!!!
Krista F.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. These are all things that we have tried to focus on as well. You give me hope at finding peace, regardless of how our story plays out. So much love to you in your healing.
Birdie H.
That was inspiring
B.J. L.
God bless and keep you safe. Thank you for sharing your story.
Jacqueline R.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful and inspiring journey. I needed to read these words tonight.
Helen H.
Beautiful. I didn't want this story to end. I wanted to keep reading. So i guess I'm saying that I, my friend, look forward to reading your next chapter.
Michael A
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is beautiful and uplifting. Gives me hope for a happy future.
Rhonda M.
Thank you for sharing this Beautiful True Love story. My Heart hurts for your loss but I rejoice in the life you both lived, Loved and Journeyed together. She will always be with you and you will one day be together again. May you find Strength, Comfort and Peace in your precious Beautiful life memories you shared with your eternal Soulmate and the life- journeys she would still want you travel
Lisa B.
Thank you. Thank you. As I deal with my cancer journey joy has been my main focus - living a life with love… and meaning. Thank you for sharing your love story and cancer journey and how the two have intermingled in a way that most won’t experience - deeper love and meaning in each day.