August 17, 2023 (Post One)
Dear friends,
Today is the one-year anniversary of Annette’s death. I have written two posts today, one an open letter to Annette (next post), and this one to all of you.
When I first wrote of Annette’s death a week after her passing, I was in shock. Unless you’ve experienced this type of loss, it’s hard to describe. There are good resources out there that can help, but they aren’t typically things you read or access ahead of time.
When I wrote that first post, I had no idea where my journey through grief would take me or, at least at first, if I would or could feel joy again. Losing your life partner and soulmate is so devastating and painful. A large part of you dies too. But I hoped that by focusing on gratitude, knowing how helpful it was for Annette and I through our battles with cancer, that I would someday feel joy again, and that my heart would heal.
I’m not entirely sure what compelled me to write about this journey. Most of those I know who have lost the person closest to them have not really shared their feelings with me. I take a great deal of responsibility in this because, due to my own discomfort with other’s pain, I avoided the topic believing it would only make them sadder. As a result, I wasn't helpful, nor did I know what to expect. Fortunately, I joined several grief support groups right away, and these helped tremendously. But I also felt writing authentically and honestly not just about the raw pain and sadness, but about how I was navigating grief, would help me and possibly some of you. It's also a way of remembering and honoring Annette.
Writing for an audience has helped me to confront and clarify my feelings and express the confusing and often opposing emotions I feel. My posts mark change over time; this helps me to see how I am moving forward, albeit slowly, and never in a straight line. It reinforces for me how critical the things on which we focus are to our mental and emotional health.
But the real benefit is knowing that I am surrounded by so many amazing and supportive people. I wish I could express how meaningful your comments, and even just the acknowledgement that you have read my posts, have been and still are to the healing process. Living through cancer and the side-effects of treatments is scary, traumatic, and fatiguing. When Annette and I were going through these, I would often go back and read and reread what you wrote in response to our posts, and it gave me strength. I know it did for Annette too. Now, I look at all those who take the time to read about my grief journey and I read and reread the comments of love and caring you have sent my way. Please know how powerful these are and how much they help. Thank you!
As I enter year two of Annette’s passing, I have not fully healed, though I am getting there. You will note that my posts are more and more about being joyful (who I am) than they are about feeling sad (a persistent feeling over the past year). I am still attending grief support groups for my benefit, but increasingly I hope, to also help and support others as they navigate loss. This is very important to me.
Thank you once again for reading these posts and for caring. As one of my cancer-surviving friends has written many times, we never know how many days we have. Please, use them wisely with purpose and joy!
