November 5, 2023

Happy Birthday, Annette!

Today marks the second birthday of yours that I have now spent without you. I miss you so much my love. This morning, we would have had our coffee in bed as we often did and talked about the adventures of the past year and about how your 66th would be your best year yet. I would have given you a card filled with expressions of my gratitude for being the one to share so many of these special days with you. About how very privileged and blessed I have been for being your life partner, best friend, soulmate and the love of your life, as you were mine. Later, we would have gone for a hike, enjoying the crisp fall air, the beauty of this area, and the spiritual connection to this amazing world and each other. In the evening we would likely have played some games in front of our fireplace with a glass of wine. Birthdays were always very special days for us.

While I have been so very blessed for all you have given to me, our life together and our love, feeling lucky for my life now is challenging. Writing this birthday message to you, knowing you will never read it; to accept a life where you are not with me except in memory. These are difficult.

I recently returned from a month-long trip to Bears Ears National Monument in Utah. I thought of you constantly as I participated in a volunteer project the first week, hiked amazing canyons to ancient cliff dwellings for a couple more, then met up with special long-time friends to watch the solar eclipse that last week. I know how much you enjoyed this area, learning about the cultural history, hiking, exploring, visiting with friends, being amazed, and feeling so alive. I miss sharing these things with you. The past couple weeks, I thought of you as I cut back our gardens, raked the pine needles and leaves and put our yard to bed for the winter, a ritual we always enjoyed doing together. As this day drew closer, I spent more time looking at pictures of you and of us through the years. Feeling the love, enjoying the memories, yet also experiencing the pain of doing this alone.

Grief expert David Kessler wrote that “death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.” This is very true, Annette, and is what keeps me going. You remain so much a part of who I am (the good part!), and always will. My goal is to make our ongoing relationship one filled with meaning, just as it was before you died. To know you are always with me deep in my heart and soul gives the world more sparkle and helps me look forward to the trails ahead. The world without you is very different, but life is always special and each day is precious. We learned and lived that, especially those last few years together.

Happy Birthday my love. The world has been blessed by your birth and your life. You added so much beauty and joy to the world and to my life, my dear best friend. You live on through me and all those who love you. Thank you so very much!

With deep love, respect and affection always,

Your husband and soulmate,

David