Thanksgiving:
November 24, 2022
This is a great quote and so appropriate for today. When I first read it about a year ago, I was floored at how these four words so succinctly described Annette and my last few years…
In the last months of 2019, when first Annette and then I learned we had late-stage cancer, our future looked grim. Statistically, for the types and stages of the cancers we had there was a better than 90% chance that at least one of us would die within the next five years. As well, we were facing harsh treatments and difficult surgeries. Within a few short months, our retirement plans had changed dramatically. As we confronted these difficult realities, we talked about whether and how we could be resilient, emotionally healthy and lead full and active lives despite cancer. For our own emotional survival, we agreed not to focus on the bad stuff described above.
Instead, we promised that each morning over coffee we would talk about and focus on what was good in our lives. We did this every day, from those first treatments to the day before Annette passed away. We talked about the things for which we were grateful; friends and family, each other, great medical teams, and so much more. Sometimes we talked about what the end might look like for both the person leaving and the survivor, and how we could approach this with courage. We talked about being compassionate to ourselves and others, and the frustration that no matter how healthy we lived we had no control over this disease. Then we would talk about what we could control, and that led us back to gratitude. Though it sounds cliché, we believed each new day was a gift and pledged not to waste them. Perhaps because we felt the pressure of limited time, the things we did had, for us, greater meaning. Because we did so much, when we had tough stretches, we could remember those experiences, realize our lives were very good, and start planning our next adventure. Gratitude does indeed make optimism sustainable.
Starting in October of 2019 on my Facebook page I have written about how we navigated cancer, and provide a small taste of the many, many adventures we had along the way. This post has some more recent photos from the last couple months of her life.
Even though the future was uncertain, we kept planning. On the day Annette died we had hotel reservations in Chamonix, France; the start of what would have been a multi-week hike through the Swiss Alps to Zermatt, Switzerland. It’s sad now to realize that all year as we were counting down the days to this bucket list trip, we were really counting down the remaining days of Annette’s life. Yet, because of all we did despite cancer and how special each of those experiences were, the past few years have been the very best of my life.
It's now been exactly 100 days since Annette spoke her last words to me, and 99 since she died. Each day as I look through photos of her or see or hear other things that remind me of her, tidal waves of grief crush me. At times I can hardly breath. I hurt not only for losing her, but also for the part of me that is no longer. Even writing this is challenging because tears blind me. But then I do what we’ve done together the past few years. I consciously change my focus. I thank Annette for a lifetime of shared adventures and experiences, and for the profound joy and beauty she brought into my life. And it calms and changes me. I become optimistic for my future, however long or short that may be. I look forward to traveling, volunteering, doing the things I love, engaging with my old friends and meeting new ones, and most of all, in living. Gratitude continues to help me as I navigate loss, grief and letting go of what is now my past. It’s hard, but my heart is slowly healing.
On this Thanksgiving Day I’d like to thank all of you for reading these posts, providing your comments, support and so much more. Because of you, life is good!
Last, I’d like to recommend a podcast series on grief by Anderson Cooper (Thank you Sharon!). It’s called “All There Is”. It’s extremely well done, thoughtful and heartfelt. It’s been helpful for me to hear others describe through their own experiences how I feel far better than I can…
“Gratitude makes optimism sustainable.” ~Michael J Fox
