February 16, 2025

Happy Anniversary, Annette,

Today we would have celebrated our 44th anniversary. Instead, it’s the third one I’ve now spent alone, while also marking exactly 2½ years since the day you died. As I do on these special days, I am focusing on our life together. Today I’m looking at photos of you and of us, reading letters and cards we sent to each other, remembering our adventures both small and grand, and letting my tears flow. While my memories are beautiful and joyful, knowing I’ll never create more of these with you remains deeply painful. Yet, there is a catharsis in this.

In his book, When Your Soulmate Dies author Alan Wolfelt describes fourteen characteristics of a soulmate relationship, and how to use these to “heroically” mourn. These are: shared values, best friends, companionship, physical closeness, intimacy, sense of humor, vulnerability, kindness, longevity, perseverance, selflessness, adventure, rituals, and a sense of privilege and honor. Together, these add up to the love of your life. We embodied all of these, Annette. During our more than four decades together, I was constantly in awe of and humbled by our relationship. I still am. I knew it to be something many look for their whole life. I have been so very blessed.

There is a great risk in opening one’s heart so completely, but when two people commit to this and grow so close that the whole is so much greater than the sum of the parts, it is truly magical. Though you are no longer physically with me, a part of you is still so much a part of me. In my quest to understand who I am now without you, I find I have slowly adopted many of the qualities I loved most about you, as I no longer have you to rely on for these. I believe, Annette, that you would be proud of how I’ve changed, and how I’m using what I’ve learned both from your life and because of your death. Thank you.

A friend of mine recently sent me the following poem by David Whyte. It describes perfectly the transformational power of embracing grief. It’s what I’ve been writing about since your death, though not nearly so eloquently.

The Well of Grief

Those who will not slip beneath

the still surface on the well of grief,

turning down through its black water

to the place we cannot breathe,

will never know the source

from which we drink,

the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering,

the small round coins, thrown by those

who wished for something else.

I have been to that place where I could not breathe and found you there, Annette, waiting to guide me toward that secret water and to the hope, joy and meaning in life beyond the pain. Though you died, you never left me. Your soul and my soul remain connected. Thank you so much for being the Love of My Life! Happy Anniversary my dear best friend!

Your husband and soulmate,

David